It made me kind of realize the source of my writer's block I have been battling for several years. I was less inhibited & had less to protect while in my teens & twenties, so I felt more free to express myself and write heartfelt songs. I think as I grow I step more deeply into a world where self-restraint is the necessary norm, entering a professional, tight-lipped engineering profession where the less I say, the better off everyone fares. Well even after leaving that profession, I carry my residual inhibitions every day, protecting my close network of loving family and friends from my darkness. I don't want people to be sad that I am not necessarily the happy, bubbly person they want to see. I don't want to make my mother worry. I don't want to make other people feel uncomfortable by saying something too profoundly sad or intense. I don't want to scare people away.
But I think that keeping it all in makes it fester inside me, and something ugly wants to rear itself. I need to write. Whether I do it here, or in new songs, or in epic emails to my old friend who knows that dark side of me and isn't afraid of it. I just need to write. Because it sure feels good to get it all off my chest. She said the perfect word that describes this feeling: cathartic.
Through this healing dialogue with my old friend, I am inspired to look to the future, broken, knicked, bruised, bent, bandaged, imperfect, yet wise, practical, realistic, and hopeful. Maybe I can shed some anger and regret while I am at it. Imagine.
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